Spring brings the hope of a new beginning, renewal, regeneration, and re-birth. The days ahead will bring greater light and warmth to us after the darkness and cold of Winter. New life and beauty emerges in the form of puppies being born, cherry blossoms, daffodils and dandelions. I pray for something new to be birthed inside of me. This Friday marks six months since my beautiful son, Anton was killed by a drunk driver traveling the wrong way on the Interstate highway, hitting him head on just as he crested a small hill. There were no brake marks. The woman who hit him died on impact, and miraculously my son was alive and calling for help when emergency rescue workers arrived at the scene. Several brave rescue workers tried to remove him from his vehicle, but his legs were pinned under the dash. They had to cease their efforts when they heard a popping in the engine, knowing it would soon explode. It did, and he burned to death inside his car. He was only 23 years old, a recent college graduate, and just beginning to live his life.
Anton’s passions were music, food, sake, and being with people he loved. He created music and wanted to be a professional musician. He had begun playing his own music at venues in the year before his death. He had a great spirit, an enormous heart and a zest for life that is not often seen. He touched many lives and his death sent shock waves through the entire community. Well over two hundred people attended his service to pay their final respects to a beautiful soul. In a single moment one can lose a loved one, and all that remains are memories. Four days before he was killed we shared dinner together on our back portal – a delightful evening of feasting, laughing and heart-felt connecting that I will cherish forever.
With Anton’s death a part of me died, leaving a gaping hole and an incinerator of constantly burning pain. I didn’t know it was humanly possible to hurt so much or to cry so many tears. I weep for the loss of my son, and for the death of other children and the parents who survive them. I weep for the desecration and disregard for this magnificent earth. I weep for injustice, poverty, sickness, loneliness, and for all who are suffering.
Yesterday I did a shamanic journey and heard the words “everything dies and everything gets re-born again.” It is nature. Without the death and darkness of Winter we would not have the light and re-birth of Spring. I hope that Spring comes again for me someday. I know Anton’s Spirit is alive as he has appeared to me several times. I can take some solace in knowing that he is in the Light, in a place of beauty, love, and peace and that he is not suffering. If you are reading this post, I hope this Spring brings the birthing of something new and wonderful to your world, and may your hearts, minds, bodies and spirits be renewed with the greatest of Light and Love.
In honor of my son Anton who will always live in my heart.